Why Do So Many Indian Men Cheat?

Ahhhh the motto of the overly passionate Indian men!

There are so many preconceptions that I brought with me when I first moved to India.  Either misconceptions garnered from Bollywood films, which it turns out, are not the best guide for sorting out what is normal everyday life and what’s not! I really thought that by now a handsome, single, sexy man with a long vest thingy and a bare chest would have looked my way from across a crowded bar and then he and his friends would have walked towards me, slowly, singing and performing a synchronized dance as his special way of woo’ing me.  I mean, come on!  After living in India for as long as I have – and the insane amount of socializing that I do – this should have happened to me by now, right?  It happens every day in Bollywood films!  Yet sadly, not in my real life!

I also arrived with many preconceived notions that I learned from the Internet.  This, sadly, is turning out to be a much more accurate source for information than Bollywood films (I say sadly because I am still hoping to be woo’d “Bollywood style” very soon!! haha).   Most of what I learned off the net and believed to be true before my arrival in India actually really is true. It’s lovely and different and for the most part I feel truly blessed to be experiencing it all.

However, there are certain things that I didn’t have a clue about when I moved to India that I could happily live without.  Noise pollution from horn blowing tops my list.  And just below that is the insane amount of married and committed men who approach women here in an attempt for a little diversion. In all my life, neither in the U.S. or Spain, I have never seen such a huge number of men try to set up extracurricular activities for themselves out in the open at bars, restaurants and clubs.  They even try to set up liaisons via the Internet. Personally I receive an average of three to six online invitations per week, which is an insane figure given that I am not signed up to any dating sites.

Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t have any illusion that 100% of women or men in relationships are always faithful. And I know that this isn’t a situation that is unique to India.  People cheat all around the world, every minute of every day.  As for me personally, as far as I know, I have never been cheated on (exes: if that is not true, please don’t tell me now!!!!).  I am also very proud to say that I have never cheated on anyone.  Even when I was in a miserable marriage, I broke things off first and waited for him to move out instead of looking for happiness elsewhere.

Yet here it seems to me that cheating is an everyday thing for some guys.  Given the ÜBER conservative Indian values and traditions, it amazes me how many seemingly unavailable men approach me or who I’ve seen approach a friend hoping to get lucky.  If I had to guess, I would say that the ratio of single to unavailable men who have tried their luck with me is about 25% / 75%…with the 75% representing the guys who are married or have girlfriends. Since 99% of the guys are unattractive to me (sorry guys) and I have zero interest in wasting my time and just want to hang out with my friends they don’t make it much past hello (I have become very good at the “brush off” and have it down to 15 seconds now).  Now, the guys who I actually did find attractive and who I chatted or flirted with a bit until learning they were married or had girlfriends were all pretty open about it.

Affluent men who are married or committed certainly do make interesting offers, I’ll give them that.  To date I haven’t received a single ‘traditional’ date offer like dinner and a movie.  The ideas they have logically include an exit plan from town and have ranged from a weekend in the Maldives to candlelit dinners and champagne in the moonlight at a 5 star hotel or sightseeing trips to nearby towns for a night away. And of course some were simply 100% direct and just asked if they could come home with me.

So is cheating an accepted practice in India?  Do Indian women just turn their back on what they know is going on with their man? So far only one of my married Indian friends has said that he and his wife have an “understanding”.  He says that they married each other knowing each other fully so there were no illusions of fidelity to begin with!  But my guess is that this is certainly not the norm and that the majority of Indian women wouldn’t be quite so relaxed about the topic.  And I know for a fact that expats living in India don’t tend to turn their backs to it when dating Indian men.  In fact, a good friend recently dumped her boyfriend after catching him red-handed at a party exchanging numbers with a girl and then trying to hide it.  What an idiot!

I asked around a bit on the topic and here’s what I heard:

  • Cheating apparently happens more in middle-upper and upper class society than in the lower and middle classes.
  • I was told that lower and middle class men are so focused on working and supporting the family that there is hardly time but personally I believe that they just have less opportunity.
  • That when every Rupee is counted to make ends meet for a family that there is typically nothing extra that could be used to seduce a lover.  And since – generally speaking – women like to be wined and dined, so if there is no disposable income for the wining and the dining then chances are pretty slim that these guys are going to score. I know it still happens but probably not as frequently or lavishly as if they had cash to burn.
  • The more affluent men typically have business trips and meetings day and night so there is more opportunity for them to hook up with someone. They can also offer a woman a romantic night out, a short getaway at 5 star hotels and they can pamper her…so it would indeed be much easier to start an affair with those resources — and the free time.

What I still don’t have a clear handle on though is WHY Indian men seem more active in this respect than men in other countries?  I moved from Spain where they are pretty damn naughty, but the Spanish men don’t even remotely compare to the Indians.  One friend – I really hope jokingly – said it is the heat that makes Indian men such go-getters.  Sounds like bullshit to me but it was a spin on the topic I hadn’t expected.  Does the warm Indian climate really fire up naughty thoughts more than in other countries or cooler climates?  Hmmmm….not sure I’m buying that idea.

For my part, I have somewhat mixed feelings about cheating in secret when the partner doesn’t know.  The part of me that has never cheated is proud of that and believes that is the way things SHOULD be. But I haven’t been in a relationship since 2005 and I think I have changed a lot in that time and I’m not sure I see fidelity as such an important aspect to a relationship anymore – but again I haven’t been in love in so long that I could just be speaking jibberish.

Is it reasonable to expect to be faithful “till death do us part” now? With the high number of men who either DO cheat or are trying to cheat who I’ve come across I think the answer to that question is no.  Not all of them. I’m sure that most women reading this probably think that their man would never cheat and that I’m talking about a different kind of man, with different values and morals.  And I hope for them that it’s true.  But it really can’t be true for every woman, can it? Those guys who I’ve met all have wives or fiancées or girlfriends, don’t they?

Given the naughty nature of some Indian men, based solely on what I’ve witnessed and know to be true from personal experience in India, it seems like these guys have very liberal views on fidelity.  Views that they likely don’t express to their wives and girlfriends.  Should society’s views on infidelity then soften to accommodate the reality of life as it really exists today in India? I already know that the general consensus answer to that question will be NO but the topic does make me curious. Obviously the flip side is to keep things as they are and keep everything hidden as it is now and brush the truth under the rug so to speak.  I know enough about traditional values to know that this Plan B (or the way it has always been) is the preferred plan but … why?  Why not be open and honest about this?  I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic. I’m neither an Indian woman nor in a relationship….I’m just one of the many unlucky “prey” for these guys.

XOXO Angela

© Angela Carson, 2011

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80 thoughts on “Why Do So Many Indian Men Cheat?

  1. I recently had a sad conversation with an Indian woman who had been cheated on throughout her marriage, starting from only 4 years into it when she came home with her small baby and found her husband with another woman in the house. He continued to blatantly do it, and even attended kitty parties for singles. I asked her why she never left him and she said it was because it was a love marriage, it would be looked upon too badly if she admitted she made a mistake, plus her mental conditioning wouldn’t let her leave. She also confirmed that it’s men with disposable income who are most likely to cheat — because they have something on offer to women (money, a good time, pampering etc). It’s very heartbreaking. She said many men just treat their wives like cows — the wife provides for them, while they do what ever they like. :-(

    • OMG I would be crushed if I came home and caught the man I loved cheating. That would also kill any trust that you have for men 100% I assume so any future happiness will always be a bit warped because of that. Luckily you and I don’t come from a country that places shame of a mistake over happiness and self-worth. I had a (less than fabulous) husband who I divorced when our daughter was one and I have taken care of the two of us (and our 2 cats, haha), with no child support, for the past 15 years very happily…much more happily than if I had stayed with him that’s for sure!! I hope your friend finds a way out soon!

  2. I am indian, and have lived in the USA for many years. Americans are very conservative and private, and I was not aware of the extent of political correctness. I would joke and smile with everyone at work, which is a social no-no in a corporate setting. I was approached by many men at work – 90% married men – as in someone ‘randomly’ walking by my desk and complimenting my wallpaper. I understood much later that I was being hit on – I thought they were being friendly.

    Being approached in this most subtle manner is very common, and my other non-american friends, have said the same too. Ignorant friendly foreign women, married, or unmarried in america, get hit on a LOT, mostly from married men. It mostly does not not go anywhere. But it happens a lot. And it is v.discreet, subtle, and under the lid. And no one will believe it, if you pointed the guy.

    I guess it does not happen with assertive American women, and other serious women who live there.

    • Wow, in some odd way, and in no way to be rude, I love knowing that you are receiving the same treatment in my native country as I am in yours :-) My sister across the waters :-) This happens in every country all around the world…but I promise I have never seen it so openly and put forth in such forward terms as I have here in India. And I have travelled… I think it’s 22 countries I have toured now. And Inida wins the gold medal on this sport :-) hehe

    • With all due respect Anonymous, how do you know that all these men were “hitting on you”? A comment about your wallpaper may just be that. It is not forbidden in a corporate setting to be nice and occasionaly talk to your co-workers. Having lived and worked in the US and having dealt with many types of situations, innoucuous comments and greetings are just that – innoucuous – most of the time.

      Not that I’m doubting you may have also gotten hit on sometimes, particularly if you are thin and a 7 or better on the 1-10 scale, however I wouldn’t read too much into “hey, nice wallpaper”, and unless the men dropping comments like that later asked you out on a date, you can rest assured they were just being nice and trying to break up the monotany of work-a-day life.

      I also wouldn’t automatically assume an Indian guy was hitting on me by commenting on my wallpaper or just being nice.

  3. Men are like dogs and they live in every country ! Myth of Indian Men being the Champ of this sport is just a “Myth”..

    If you believe in numbers then just 1-2 % person in this whole country can afford to ‘cheat’ as ‘cheating’ is very expensive emotionally for women and financially for men.

    Being a poor country India is , it can not afford to have more cheaters. ;)

    • hahahhaa… great comments! But you know that India has the 2nd or 3rd largest number of billionairs of any country in the world? I think it happens much more with the wealthy or guys (and gals) with amazing incomes. So, you could be right on with the 1-2% but that is a whole lotta people here in India :-) Thanks for taking the time to comment, angela

  4. I’ll admit I’m one of those horny bastards with a hyperactive willy.So what ?!

    I can’t help it .. Men were evolved to breed with as many as possible and that’s how it should be.Nature Nature Nature ! What’s with all this monogamy BS ? Society is really messed up if you ask me.I mean look at Clint Eastwood.He has 8 chilren from 7 wives or something and he’s happy as a dime.You can blame the bible toting west for this concept of one man one woman.

    More power to Dirty Harry !

    • All the power to you horny guy. I never once say it’s wrong if take a second to re-read my article. And I agree with lifelong monogomy being BS… I guess I believe more in serial monogomy :-) But the concept of one man/one woman was around long before the west was won :-) Ancient cultures sealed that deal. –angela

      • “I never once say it’s wrong if take a second to re-read my article.”

        You don’t think a person going behind the back of their spouse and propositioning other people for sex is wrong!?!?!

        As far as serial monogamy, it works for adults but what about the kids these adults produce? The affects on them are not stellar.

      • Hi, yeah i really don’t think it’s wrong…I don’t do it but who am I to judge anyone else? There are tons of things I do that other people would consider wrong but it’s not for them to judge me either in my opinion. There are lots of reasons why people cheat. Lots of people do it in order to actually stay in marriages that don’t make them happy. Staying with one person for a lifetime goes again our human nature.

        Now don’t get me wrong. Cheating is not something to be proud of certainly and the preference would be honesty. As I mentioned, I have never cheated on anyone ever. But I don’t think it’s the end of the world…

        Thanks for commenting. I realise we have very different views on this but hope you’ll keep reading my blog despite that :-) –angela

      • Well Angela if you don’t think it’s wrong then why don’t you help some of the more good looking guys cheat? IF you really thought “to each his own” then you wouldn’t care about the reprocussions of your actions. So why not go against the horny a**hole up there and say you do think it is wrong because that’s why you don’t do it. And to you horny a**hole up there^^ you would feel differently if you actually fell inlove with a woman and wanted nobody else to have her, which is totally normal by the way, and she slept with a ton of other men.

      • Hi Jen, thanks for commenting and adding in your 2 cents. I generally add as much “personal opinion” or share as much of my own life as I am willing to divulge in this space so sorry if I don’t answer your questions… :( –angela

  5. Seriel monogamy has not resulted in happiness for the children of seriel monogamists. Anyone wanting to ride the seriel monogamy carousel should consider getting sterilized first.

    • I respect your opinion but for me life is too complex and full of too many variables to ever speak in absolutes as you enjoy. I fully believe in my heart that a child will be happier and healthier having two HAPPY parents who live apart instead of two miserable parents who realize they made an unfortunate mistake and stick with a marriage at all costs — including the harmony and happiness of everyone in the household. –angela

      • If the parents are indeed miserable with each other due to abuse or addictions, then sure, the child will be happier living with the more non-abusive and non-addictive parent. However study after study as shown that kids are consistently emotionally disturbed by divorce, especially the kind of “we just don’t love each other any more” where they take it upon themselves that “mom and dad don’t love me either or I am the cause of their break up”. Kids would much rather their parents seek counseling and work things out. There are some valid reasons to divorce such as abuse or addictions, but if its just a matter of “growing bored” or “growing apart” then that can be worked on, especially when you consider that marriage and family is about, well, marriage and FAMILY, not so much individual growth or avoidance of boredom.

        Love is a verb. That means its an action more than a fly by night “feeling”.

        Besides, most people who divorce out of boredom or because they “fell out of love” find themselves worse off and even more bored after the initial “excitement” of being single again wears off.

      • I don’t support that,. You have to be devout and dedicatd n relatnshp. And if u had been careful , ull never get bord.
        I hav seen kids of such series monogamy parents getting futureless. Just go through steve jobs and his father’s relatn.
        I am lucky to have , a family full of devout relations. Starting frm Grandpa who left us this year. An uncle who managed to bring up his kids to IIT professionals and looking after and curing his wives pshycic disease.(at 1 point she was really mad ) but it was family support and his love which changd whole thng. I agree with aunty jee, i have seen kids becoming criminals, and a person got complete drunkard and died due to his cheating wife.;-(

  6. Hello Angela, I’m happy to find your blog and words, and have good times reading your posts – thanks ! I like your “tone”, too.
    I am wondering a lot about indian women and wives, about their lives – do they know (as you wondered too), do they decide to get blind about it, do they cheat themselves (but how ? living so close with their families in laws) … how do they protect themselves from STD (aids…) ?
    About men cheating : I am not so troubled about married men cheating when marriage has such a different meaning or goal than in westerner countries, and when I can understand divorce is nearly unconceivable. But I wouldn’t like to meet some of these guys !
    Nonetheless, I really think and act as you do (as I understood you do) : first leave, if I can’t go on with the man, then maybe go with someone else. And I value honesty a lot – much for me, and my own felling of dignity.
    What seems very strange to me is to see some men go from a woman to another – wether they are married men or not – and experiment a lot, one after the other.
    Could it be a reaction to traditional and conservative environment ?

    • Hi Nathalie, first thank you for your sweet comments ;-) I am having so much fun writing the blog and love the fact that it’s not just my Mom, daughter and best friends reading it anymore! hehe

      I really liked your observation “when marriage has such a different meaning or goal than in westerner countries, and when I can understand divorce is nearly unconceivable” … for me this exactly the reason it happens so much more here than anywhere else I have lived. In my limited knowledge and purely in my opinion, that nailed it 100%. When you don’t marry purely from the heart because you found your soul mate then I can imagine that mentally it is much easier to have a little fun on the side.

      I need to follow up to this blog post with the flip side: the female perspective. I really wrote exclusively from my own point of view and observations and comments from male friends. Thanks again for reading :-) angela

    • I made a mistake in my words – about women :
      not “do they cheat themselves” but “do they cheat too ?”

  7. Hi Angela, I would really like to read your “flip side” / female perspective !
    and thank you, I learnt a new idiomatic.
    See you on the blog (as I will go on reading you) !

    • Nathalie, as far as Indian women cheating, some do. But like you said, living in a joint family situation and in a neighborhood where everyone knows you, it is difficult for either men or women to manage cheating. In big cities it would be easier. Angela mentioned that she was not attracted to any of the married men that approached her and she’s not the only one, many women are not attracted them. Most Indian men are not that hot, to be honest. So men approach and give it their best shot but I think the ones who actually get action are much fewer.

      I don’t believe in soul mates so I don’t agree with Angela on that. However I do agree that having a marriaged arranged to someone that you never click with or end up loving is very problematic. Arranged marriages often turn into “love marriages” AFTER the wedding, but some don’t. But keep in mind that much of Asia and Africa marries for reasons other than “love” or rather lust and “soul mate” fantasies. They marry out of a sense of duty to family and to “do the right thing” which is to create and raise a family, as per their culture’s value systems. Love can grow from a sense of duty and commitment and unfortunately I think much of the developed Western world has forgotten about these values and almost exclusively concentrates on “personal happiness” at the expense of other people, including their own children. Its whimsical, frivilous and juvenile and nothing to boast about.

      However, I most certainly DO NOT sympathise with men who were pressured into marrying women they never fell in love with who then turn around and have affairs while their wives are expected to stay home all day with the in-laws, patiently waiting for the husband to come home so that she can eat dinner because eating without him is not kosher in traditional Indian culture. I say these men should have stood their ground as men BEFORE they got married and not allowed their parents to pressure them like they were still little boys (which most Indian men remain their entire lives).

      We also know that not loving one’s wife doesn’t mean these men don’t want to have sex with her because for many men, sex and love are not connected. They are able to separate sex from emotions more than women are. So the excuse of a loveless marriage does NOT fly. They are not propositioning women for sex to fill an emotional void and they know it.

      When women have affairs though it tends to be of the emotional variety as well as sexual.

      No matter how much I love him, I would NEVER be able to respect my husband as a man if he went behind my back and cheated on me. That is a breach of trust that I would never be able to get over.

      People need to grow up and state BEFORE marriage what type of relationship they want – open and poly or closed and monogamous. In this day and age there is NO excuse for cheating.

      Men are hesitant to tell their girlfriends or fiances that they would like a poly relationship because you know why? They want to have multiple lovers but they DON’T want their women having multiple men.

      Its 2011. What’s good for the gander is good for the goose. Can’t handle it? Get out of the game.

      • Thank you Aunty Jee, what an interesting and deep answer I plunged into !
        Are you both traditional and very modern, as I guess from your last words ? I also laugh a lot about your little cutting remarks about Indian men ;-) (excuse-me, I sometimes have to find my words in the dictionary, and I’m not sure to use the very good ones !)
        I find our position is very solid with arguments such as that one’s should know what kind of relation he/she is looking for.
        At the same time I wonder : getting married very young certainly makes you grow in the same direction as your husband or wife, but I also can see that we learn SO much about ourselves, as the years pass by, that we can almost change personalities, deeply change our inner self, find at 40 years old, for example, that we have only obeyed inner patterns as reactions to our fears or attractions…
        Well, I understand all this inside change can be done in the arranged marriage, and may not interfere. BUT… I have also met men that turned to be homosexual, for example, and only found it out very late – they were westerner men and Indian men too.
        As far as I’m concerned, I grew up in years and society that still highly expected a girl to get married and raise a family. I didn’t know, deeply, what I wanted for me, but life made me live by myself, and my parents finally stopped waiting for a son-in-law !
        And this way brought me to that point I know that raising a family has never been my goal in life.
        – about this, as I read young highly-educated and working Indian women on blogs, I often wonder how they will manage between their legitimate aspiration or pursuit of “self-development” (I would name it that way, not finding the exact term) and traditional indian women patterns and role or “dharma”.
        I also understood, this only year, what patterns ruled my life till now. I don’t want childish relation with a man, and it seems to me that getting older before engaging oneself is a very good and wise thing. Then you begin to know yourself, get some wisdom and naturally let childish desires and selfish ways of being, and become more able to love one another. That’s my point of view !
        I met some Indian men (unfortunately, very few Indian women, although I would have liked to meet them), and not so many acted like real men, matured – just as it is here, in France ! No difference !
        I share with you great doubts about soul mates and “loving marriage” as I have often experimented (and seen, around me) being under the spell of someone, “fascination” instead of real love. I think, as you do, that love comes after, as you live and share life with another.

        I will stop here for the moment !
        Once again, thanks Angela for such interesting topic and kind place ! ;-)

  8. I have just read some really interesting article about marriage in Asian countries. In fact, I wonder where I found the link – is it here on your blog, Angela ?
    In case not, here is the link : Asia’s lonely hearts

    • That article is FANTASTIC…it concisely describes what we all know is happening. Thanks for that!!!! No, it wasn’t on the post but am really happy to have it here now :-) –ange

  9. Being someone who has cheated on someone only once,and even then, the relatioship was in tatters and it was my way of retaliation… However, I have been on the other end about 4 times out of the numerous people I have dated so it is not just the indian men Angela, it is also the women to an equal if not greater extent

    • No doubt you are 100% right… the women just haven’t hit on me yet ;-) Seriously though…sorry to hear that you have been cheated on. I would hate that and it would certainly affect how I trust people from that day on. –angela

  10. Angela men of all races and nationalities go for the “easy” target when looking for “gratification”. However, they tend to look at qualities such as beauty, intellect, class, values etc. when looking for a relationship. With all due respect, western women are regarded as being “easy” by many eastern men. Indian women present themselves with dignity and respect and either ignore the guy making lewd advances or put him in his place. There are two suggestions for you. Firstly, take an inventory of how you are coming across via conduct, clothing, body language etc. Secondly, make adjustments to make sure you are not giving off “vibes” that invite such behavior from men of any nationality.

    • Hi, thanks for commenting… as I mentioned in the blog, I am very aware that men AND women cheat everywhere all over the world. But I do promise you, I have never seen anything like what I have seen here. I have even been hit on by a very high profile individual who I work with through my PR job with a cricket association. It was a real first for me at my professional level and I was shocked as hell. That sort of thing just doesn’t happen in the U.S. and Europe like it appears to happen here on a regular basis.

      Personally, I just don’t care enough about the idiots coming on to me to take the time to “put them in their place” but I do love that about the Indian women. You ladies have a special way of doing things that I adore! But being a tall, blonde, white woman has MASSIVE advantage in India…but unfortunately it also comes with some disadvantages like wearing a big bullseye on my face (or ass or ….) that makes me a walking target for disrespectful men. –angela

      • It doesn’t happen much in the west, factor would be the law on sexual harassment. And women who get hit upon at work place or in public or say eve teasing ( indian term that you probably know of by now) have to rely on themselves.

      • Hi Sush, thanks for commenting. Personally, I don’t think the issue is that is happens LESS in the west. After a year here in India I simply think it happens MORE here than in most other countries (the other countries are all about the same with respect to % of infidelity/cheating, it’s India that is different). –angela

  11. My feel of the scenario is as below—-
    * This concept of partying & lifestyle caught up in India a few years back, till then India, I am sure was just another country in the world map.
    * One thing that applies to the country ” Whatever they do they do it sincerely” & so cheating is also done sincerely.
    The people who just run around to woo people & date them just for the evening are not much but they are the ones who are visible.

    The basic thing lies here as far as I would comment on

    1.The lifestyle of Indians have changed over time & so has been the sincerety concepts.Most of Indians come from an Orthodox background & wouldnt come out so easily & wouldnt like the family or society to know of things like this.There are issues at every home some small some big but issues remain as such & they still hold on the ship for dsake of kids, parents, family, society etc etc. They all look out for either fun or love whatsoever which may be called cheating. This is not only abt men but also women.

    2.Some take pride in mentioning the number of Girl/ Boy Friends/ Hook ups they have /had, plus a show off in front of their friends & others.

    3. They just have got the addiction to it & do it for the heck of it.

    On the whole it looks as if a large number of people who cheat but that in percentage to the population is less in the second largest populated country in the world.

    Cheers :)

  12. Its just those jerks ,unsatisfied maniacs. Who see all those fake porn and believe all they see . They thnk white women are sluts (ignoring the fact that they are sluts). Many poor women do get cheatd by husbands. Never fall into their hands, a man who cheat hs wife ,wnt hesitate to do same on you. He must be aftr money or foreign citizenship.
    But dnt thnk majority are like that ,.
    I suggest all us Indians should read this . Its an utter shame for our culture,. Both my grandfathers ,on motherside and dad’s, had completed 50plus years of dedicatd, faithful relationship. Its this culture wot indians are forgeting. Same with my parents, its 21st year nw. And i hope and put my trust on my parents to arrange me such a dedicatd relatn as they have.
    Whenever such guys come please remind’em ‘ATHITHI DEVO BHAVA’. You are our guest .

    • The funny thing is that I am not hit on by guys seeking citizenship or my money…a lot of the time I am appraoched by mostly wealthy business men, power guys, sports stars, actors…probably because of the types of restaurants, parties and places I go. haha, althought there is one really young guy last week who hit on me and is now asking me to pass his CV to our HR department ;-) he sort of falls into your category.

      • Ya those wealthy people are the ones whom i mentiond as unsatisfied jerks who see all those American porn films and think every white women is an easy going slut with whom they can hook up and satisfy themselves. Eventhough a minority may be unsatisfied of arrangd marriage most of them are male superiority jerks who thnk women are meant to be used and their wives are permanent objects and u r some extracuricular fun instrument.

  13. hi angela!hope u r having a great time in india,i hope u r not having a hard time handling indian men,as far as indian men approaching you ,is concerned .There may be two reasons-1)people approaching u may be wanting to fulfill there fascination of having sex with a white woman, as u might be aware of the indian fascination with white skin2)they must not be in love with their partner anymore,any guy who is in love with or committed to his girl won’t do that ,whether indian or spanish.btw ,interesting blogs!nice to know about india from a western woman’s perspective. and ,yes would forward my resume too!hehe

  14. well well good post
    as an indian man and having deep understanding about this i must comment on this
    first of all it never happened in past but after growing influence of western culture its starts to happen. in the past there wasn’t any date and having boyfriend/girlfriend trend or culture and all marriages were arranged.
    now on coming back to topic as we know the true love is rare and finding it let us calculate the odds Frankly, they aren’t good; about the same as dying from a kick in the head by a horse True love is rare; we can only hope to find it once in a lifetime, and maybe not even then. The curve that charts love is very narrow — more like a steeple than a bell. It’s called a Poisson curve, and its classic exemplar was the chance of being kicked to death by a horse while serving in the Prussian cavalry.
    so in every day life the so called love is just mutual attraction and infatuation.
    thats why arranged marriage works better than love because it start with 0% love and 100% responsibility you can’t go below than that so things get better or if not its your duty to carry out the institution and union and hope for best in next life.love marriage starts with 100% love and expectations with 0% responsibility so if its not goes to desired way it ended up in divorce.
    it was about the facts
    now comes to human nature its same everywhere in the world as you know cheating is universal character.
    when we come to indian man its very important to understand the fundamental tenet
    1. cheating appears to happen more in upper class society than lower and middle class as you know.
    2. its not that they don’t love their spouse or want to end relationship.they just want to remain in relationship without breaking it.neither they love other woman nor they want a serious relationship.
    3. for some man its status symbol to maintain 2 simultaneously
    4. Some take pride in mentioning the number of Girl/ Boy Friends/ Hook ups they have /had, plus a show off in front of their friends & others
    5. some are addicted to different length and width of vagina.
    6. 80% of people have bf/gf just the sake of having one neither the love them nor they will marry them.its just for financial purpose, having sex, sharing things with them, enjoyment and not be alone. ultimately they will marry to choice of parents when intend is on starting family.
    7. cheating is equal in both sexes among upper class society. the supply of fresh female is not constant so all female/male are available in rotation.
    8. cheating in india is not active process its a passive process its not unfaithfulness its rather a change of taste.like when you get bored with home cooked food you go out for dinner on weekends.when they get bored with one woman they go for change of taste and seek other woman but its nothing more than that,
    and upper class woman and man are equally involve in this.
    but not all man or woman like that.
    one tv show named emotional atyachar on utv bindass channel expose cheating on partner’s request and do sting operation.
    in the show man and woman found equally disloyal
    hope you will get the answers
    and nice blog i like it!!!!

    • Hi, first thanks so much for saying you like the blog…that is always wonderful to hear. second…WOW! This is one of the most detailed comments ever, I had never thought about the fact that “for some man its status symbol to maintain 2 simultaneously” but that could very well be. I really appreciate your contribution to the article. Thanks so much, please come back and comment whenever you’d like :-) –angela

  15. Seriously,its almost 6 years that u have not been into a relationship?I believe more then the hot climate theory,its the cultural background which makes Indian men more polygamous.1st most of the Indian men have stay at home moms,which makes it very difficult for them to bring their girlfriend home.Moreover Indian girls are quite reserved when it comes to the word “sex”.So in their early teens or in late 20s its get tough. As soon as they hit 25 or 30 most of them get married due to family pressure,social and cultural obligations.Moreover Indian work hours and frequent visits by relatives and family members make it really hard for them to have some privacy for sex.Once their wife get pregnant and put extra fat,they hardly make an effort to loose those extra kilos,which makes Indian men loose interest in their wives.So basically,they are sex starved.Moreover,when it comes to an “English woman” with an hourglass figure,white skin, liberal thoughts and easygoing nature.It makes them a complete package.If given a chance most of the Indian men would love to make a pass on a fair skinned English or American woman.

    • haha, yes it’s been that long. Almost 7 now since I wrote this article last year. Loved your comments, thanks so much for adding to the conversation. Please come back and chime in again when you feel like it. Much thanks, angela

  16. I was going through all the comments on ur blog article and believe me Angela,we Indians have a strong believe,call it superstition or blind faith that whatsoever happens in India is because of some foreign hand or because of western influence.Indian men are cheating on their spouses and girlfriend because of the western influence,prior to globalization we never used to cheat on our partners.[:P] forget about bigamy or polygamy.It was never a part of our culture.Whatever change that happens for good or bad is bcoz of western influence only.Why we ape western culture or why our society get influenced by it is still a top secret.[;)]

  17. Obviously, Indians like other human beings cheat on their partner but I am still to know how you got to know that SO MANY INDIANS cheat. I can understand that you have met 10, 20, 50 or even 100 Indian men who cheated with their wife but then there are around 200 million married men in India. So I don’t know how your generalization even remotely approach to the reality.

    On the other hand, every second marriage ends in a divorce in your country. And most of the time cheating is the main reason. So Instead the question must be why so many Amercian men/women cheat and subsequently divorce each other. And there are official and sufficient figures to prove it,

    Hahaha.. just kidding ! …love your blog..

    • (I don’t mean to single you out) Everyone always says “your country” because I was born in America but since I was 20 I have lived in 3 other countries, one for 13 years solid. I haven’t set foot on American soil in over 10 years (which I can assure you my mother really hates). So it is tough for me to take on American values as my own, because in many ways I want nothing to do with them and disagree with them. I don’t live there for a reason, and if I never live in the US again I will be a happy camper. I don’t mean any disrespect to anyone in the US, I’m just very European now in my thinking and the way I live — including silly things like “living” outside the home and with the community and big things like the judicial system, fidelity and my repulsion by the people who go overboard on plastic surgery, etc.

      But…with respect to my strong opinion about married men, you don’t know me so you can’t take my word on face value but I am hit on and pursued by married men continually. In my whole life I have never experienced anything like it. I express in the article that I believe that cheating and pursuing the white fantasy happens much more in upper class/wealthy circles, which is the smallest % of the population. So you are right, I can’t speak about millions of people and generalise…but I can say that either online or in person I am hit on by a married man at least a couple of times per week. Sometimes more,sometimes less … but that’s pretty accurate. –ange

      • Hi Angela
        I know many street men try to hit white women. This is because they think life in west as it is in a hollywood movie that they watched. They think life there is just sex and dugs. It is exactly like mis understanding life in india is like in a bollywood movie. In fact both are incorrect. I must say these street men annoying women must be stopped.

        Regarding the cheating: I think it occurs a lot in the extream upper class. But majority of Indian are not in this class. Moreover, there is a huge difference in mentality between the upper class living in a city and in a village. Therefore “”so many indian cheating” cannot be a sutable assesment. Also marriages stays “eternal” in India, because the majority Indians due to the social system tuned to suffer more for the marriage. One can call this the social pressure. However, being inside that community, one does not feel the “pressure” because he/she is already tuned to be part of it.

      • Hi, thanks so much for taking the time to comment. I agree with you and have had many long discussions with my driver Shiva and work mates who are middle class and have very different values and morals than the friends who I have here in India (or back home for that matter). In many ways, I wish I was more in line with those morals and values than my own or what I consider acceptable but I think I’m too old to change now :-) Hope you will continue to follow my blog and comment again in the future. –angela

  18. Right now am involved with an Indian man, he is younger than I am. At first really, I tried to talk it over with him, like the age differences between us, the culture and traditions which separate us both and the many other differences..and he would not listen to these things. I told him in my country (Philippines), you are free to decide on whom to marry, besides you are the one who will live with the person. What I am thinking is should I decide to have this man as my love life forever, he might find another girl of his culture to abide by his parents wishes. Am I true in my thinking???

    Actually, I met this man in the internet site, where really as you said Angela married Indian are prying on me and really are very blatant in expressing their love and affection. One Indian married man said, I am his mental friend far from his family, the other Indian married man said, he wanted to have a gf to hold on to when he’s sad and needing care. He wanted me to court him, blatant you know and I’m baffled.

    I said to this Indian married man, no girl on earth will court you, the girl will show interest but then it’s up to you to pursue her interests. Actually, he invited me to India to visit him all expense paid. I asked don’t you love your wife? and your wife and your family will get hurt by these,

    That’s the time I took interest into these Indian married men why pursue love when you’re married and you have nothing to offer to the woman, except sex and more free sex. Also what I’m thinking is they said they are married so if the woman accepts them as lovers then it’s less obligation for them. In other words…you know I am married so you know already the consequences of having this kind of relationship.

    So Angela not only in real but in the net Indian married men are trying to have extra love affairs….

    Will anybody please tell me if it will work out between the different cultures…the free culture to choose love and the arranged marriages..just asking…BV

    • Just a couple quick questions…1) the younger Indian man you are involved with now is someone you see face-to-face, correct? 2) Are you in India or he is in Philippines? 3) How long have you been seeing each other? and…4) has he introduced you to anyone in his family? –angela

      • In reply to your questions…

        1. We just met at internet site, he sent a message I replied courteously to which I do with others too, he seems so very much intelligent and then we regualrly exchanges emails, pics and chat almost everyday. Actually, I’m just being friendly with him at first, nothing like he will be my bf but now we’re into a relationship, that’s the reason I googled, what’s the culture of this Indian man and will I be able to adapt in his culture. I came accross your blog and really it’s very interesting and I’m learning so many things especially the double standard of dress code.

        I told him here in my country girls wear shorts and mini skirts and there are no men sex maniacs. Men here does care what the women wears.

        2. He’s in Chennai and I’m from the Philippines.

        3. Actually, I’m just trying to learn his culture and since we’re lovers on the net, I can easily just disappear, but I think he’ll be hurt if I do that. Based on what I feel, he’s very much serious and is very much willing to defy his culture and family.

        I don’t think his family will like me not in 100 years.

        He wanted to come and visit me, so before anything like a full commitment in real I’d really like to know what is his culture.

        I think I will die if I don’t wear shorts and mini skirts (just kidding).

        Thanks now, I’m learning a lot from you.

        Thanks..BEEVEE

        It’s hard to send a confirm reply in your blog.

      • If you want to email me privately please do, the email address is on my About page.

        My advice, after knowing only what you’ve said, is twofold:
        1. Ask him seriously what his intention is. Is he looking for a wife? If he’s says yes then keep moving forward, if he says no than he is only looking for sex from his visit to you (in my opinion)
        2. Have him bring YOU to Chennai and insist that you either stay with him at his family home or close by but do not get physically intimate with him until you have met the family, spent time with him and set plans to marry. That is how things work here in India (outside of high society/upper class GENERALLY – though not always). Indian girls are not like girls from other countries that view sex differently and more freely. Hold hands, steal a kiss, but adopt the Indian values from the start.

        If you do this, you will understand his real intention and his real feelings. I can’t tell you how many times I have spoken to men here who seem to really like me and I think “wow, he might be a really sweet boyfriend” only to discover that they were just trying to fool around with me and pretended to be so sweet and interested in me … I have toughened up a lot and become much more cynical over time in India sadly and don’t really trust any men anymore because of the dozens of times that I’ve personally experienced the same thing over and over…

        Be smart about it and maybe your prince charming is here. Indian men are very sweet and so fun and kind, I’d love to find a great guy one day here.

        Hope this helps :-)

  19. I forgot the Hanes advertisment makes me smile..all I can say is…WOW…what a great body that Indian man has….WISH…WISH…WISH…he..he he..you know what I mean….just being naughty you know.

    Angela you’re pretty, elegant and very much independent…BEEVEE

  20. I just found this blog through a friend! Interesting topics here ;) The debates too are quite interesting though. Just a small comment: People justify themselves always, whether you are in the giving or recieving end! Humans are very subtle, both men and women. They do things, may or may not regret, and will go for it again. Its all game of life.

    Nice blog, interesting to read. I am scared that if you write more and more, I lose my time more and more ;)

    • Wow, that is wonderfully kind of you to say… hope I can peak your interest a bit more soon! Tomorrow I’m going to a place to kill a chicken and then go home and cook him up fresh so look forward to that, haha Not quite as saucy a topic as this one but still, not something we do back home in California or Barcelona :-)

      And yes, I agree with you. I justify my own behaviour (bad or good) cuz it makes it easier to live with it most of the time…although I do screw up like everyone else – probably more than most – and I do try to be objective then.

  21. I believe if an Indian lady was 1/2 good looking and working and living amongst white people she would also stand out from the crowd and possibly have the same experiences as you are having in Bangalore. I have lived and worked in many western countries and I dont find much difference with the Affluent in those countries when it comes to womanising than what prevails in Mumbai, India. I would not say all of them cheat but quite a few do.

    • Hey Keith, thanks for commenting. You could be right but I never noticed it like I do here. Also, older men and women tend to go out here to bars/clubs whereas in Barcelona (where I had been the past 10 years) people past their 30s don’t seem to go out to venues like that (generally speaking, obviously there are exceptions). ange

  22. Pingback: My Expat Story: One Year In Bangalore – Relationships « Angela's Adventures in Bangalore

  23. A woman’s loyalty is tested when her man has nothing… A man’s loyalty is tested when he has everything.

  24. Well, having recently moved to Bangalore from a small coastal town of India, I can say that this doesn’t really happen all across India, but Bangalore is an exception to that rule.

    Consider how timid Indian women can be at times, I think men here are naturally inclined to be hitting on a expat female. Having said that, I do agree that most of these men having nothing much to offer.

    And those faithful Indian men don’t socialize as much as these folks do, so a selection bias again!

    • I like that…selection bias. Perfectly sums up the problem with trying to justify how in “my world” it IS the way I describe it, without generalizing about all Indian men. Thanks for that :-) -angela

      • No, never… the only village I have spent a few days in was in Tamil Nadu and I had so much fun! Was there for a wedding, my brother was in town visiting me so he was my +1, and we were the only white people many of the villagers had ever seen in person. Great people, great fun, amazing food!! I’d like to travel up north once my employment situation (= travel cash) is stable again :-) Why do you ask?

      • Because I spent most of my teenage traveling across India on a motorcycle, and I was fascinated by the fact that every 50 kms or so on road, you’ll notice a cultural shift. This is especially true when it comes to Food!

        It’s much different out there.. Unlike Bangalore. No offense to anyone here, but Bangalore is the douchebag capital of India :D

      • Hmmmm…. I have a completely different view of Bangalore than you. It is home to some of the most generous philanthropists in the country, the most innovative software hub in the world since the 90s and when the 1st Silicon Valley was started and I’m happy to say some wonderful friends I’ve made. The weather is unbeatable and my daughter has never done better in school than in the environment she’s in now :-)

      • Like I said, my perception of Bangalore is different compared to yours. I come from a small town, and I find Bangalore to be over crowded, polluted and messy!

        Bangalore still scores over Chennai, Kolkata and Mumbai for me.

        I’ve made some great friends too!

        BTW, I found your blog while googling for VPKW. I had a very short stint at VPKW, and I have been following this blog ever since!

        You were employed at VPKW?

      • Small world…yes I did, for 7 weeks. It’s the job I write about that I moved over here for but didn’t work out :-) I was Chief Marketing Officer.

      • That’s ironic. I was working as a marketing guy too!

        I worked for three weeks, and then I was fired because I was sick and I had a collar bone fracture. Messed up world!

  25. WOW. Very interesting thread you have going here. You say you haven’t experienced such attention in other parts of the world. Fact is, social behavior is largely determined by social context, which can be very relative. Have you ever considered whether you have ever been in an equivalent social context in the other countries you lived in?

    What I mean is that if you were an attractive/’exotic’ woman with ample access to high public society in pretty much any country, you could be approached by powerful/wealthy individuals who want to have some fun. Consider an attractive East Asian woman working as a foreign correspondent in the higher ranks of the sports federation of a popular sport (e.g. Football) in a western European country, or even the NFL…

    Whilst I agree that Indian culture has peculiarities which may magnify the effect, I am skeptical as to whether your experiences are actually a characteristic of India as a whole.

    I think the other comments have highlighted many of the moral issues involved, but the bottom line is that if you look at such a small sector of society, there may be many social complications or correlations which you need to consider.

    These may include levels of education, religiosity (or lack thereof), upbringing and exposure to various media, philosophical trends (don’t you think being affluent allows one to think more openly??), exposure to foreign cultures and ideas, etc.

    To sum up, I think you may be experiencing India from a very specific point of view. In my experience, given Indian cultural mores and expectations, the answer to ‘why do so many Indian men cheat?’ is simply that ‘so many’ Indian men don’t cheat in general, but in certain sectors of society there are many that do. The reasons for this is beyond the scope of this comment :)

    I would just recommend that don’t be afraid of rubbing shoulders with normal educated middle class Indian folk, most of whom you will find are just honest, down-to-earth people with healthy social lives.

    • Wow, that was a long one :-) Thanks for contributing to the conversation here and I do agree with you that I am exotic here and that helps but I still hold to the statement that there is something at play in India and I truly believe a lot of it has to do with arranged marriage but that is just my opinion and not based on any solid facts. And I do rub shoulders with “normal” guys everyday at work … just turns out my way of socialising is more in line with the other group :-) –ange

      • Thanks for replying. As an expatriate Indian who grew up outside India, I guess I might have had a rather romanticized view of Indian marriages. The part of India from where my family beckons, Bengal, actually has a rather open attitude towards relationships. ‘Love’ marriages are just as common as ‘arranged’ ones. Sadly, recently one of my aunts was divorced after she found that my uncle had cheated on her. The irony is that they had a ‘love’ marriage from their college days. So yes, I guess there are exceptions to the rule..

  26. Hi Angela,

    Great article and fantastic blog. Stumbled across your site today and just couldnt stop reading :) Love your articles and pragmatic take on india and your perspective
    of things…love the fact that you do not try and take sides or defend yourself but just write the way you feel

    You come across as a genuine and straight talking person who loves to “live”

    im a 20 some thing guy of indian origin living in Sydney. i absolutely agree with you regarding fidelity and indians. infact i think that most indians men and woman alike truly believe that the occasional fling or “fun time” is not cheating…trust me its not just the men….the women are not far behind….im single and not bad looking and find it really surprising how i often i get hit on by indian women looking for some fun…its not just indian expats here..but the heaps of times that i’ve been back home to india where “aunties” happily married and with kids want to have some fun….. being the ever obliging gentleman who am i to deny them that :). Jokes apart …i’m a pretty broad minded individual with not many principles in life..but even to me this is so wrong in so many levels….but who am i to judge…to each his own… right or wrong… i’m not trying to criticize my culture or anything …just that i find in fascinating that individuals who otherwise are conservative and orthodox in every other aspect of their life, find nothing wrong with an occasional “fun” time.

    anyways …good luck with everything and hope you enjoy the rest of your time in india.

    look forward to reading many more of your articles

    • Hey Jeff, thanks for commenting and adding in your 2 cents. I have heard so many fun/funny/shocking tales of ladies on the prowl that I really should do an article about the women too but it really would require research ;-) Nice of you to oblige them as you do, haha Doing your part to keep the world happy! Rock on. Thanks so much for your kind words, glad to know the blog is being read in Australia. Cheers, angela

  27. First thing i would say is, Indians r obsessed with white girls for sure(most of them). They would want to have at least one white girl friend in their life. But this is it, cheating thing is common everywhere in the world and it just depends on the character of the man and not his nationality. Cheating continues in a man’s life untill he deeply falls in love with someone. Rare incidents might happen where you fall in really awkward seductive situations and you cheat. Otherwise, if you are really in love, you won’t be cheating(if you disagree with me on this, don’t assume you are in love.) You might have misunderstood Indian’s obsession with white girls as cheating. Yes some might be hitting with clear intentions of cheating but that would be their own character, nothing Indian element in it.

    • Hi Shreepal, First, thanks so much for adding to the conversation. I totally agree with you, and have learned a lot since I first wrote that a year ago. I really should write a follow up because this particular article is read quite a lot (‘why indian men cheat’ ‘cheating indian men’ etc are constant search terms that i see every day for people finding my blog — it’s wild). Hope you’ll comment again in the future :-) –angela

  28. Future has come, here I comment again. Kidding ;). Yes I would love to read your follow up. I would love to know how your views for India have changed during this year and I’m hoping its a positive change :)

  29. Pingback: My Expat Story: One Year In Bangalore – Relationships | Angela's Bangalore

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